The No Friend Day

I was happy and expecting for a table tennis play 
I was carefully hiding my bat passing through the bay. 
I was running down the alley looking for someone to play 
And when I reached gasping inside that amazing space 
I could only find the big green board staring at my face. 
There was no one out there, no one to tackle that pace 
Broken-hearted I returned, finding it hard to say 
That life can never be complete when its a no friend day!!

Observing !

Feeling my pain dissolve in different parts of my body 


A decade old sleeping tree suddenly arising from dream 


Eyes start paining and senses start to numb 


A restless storm I find hard to put still 


A silent observer searching back his free will

My faith in you

I dont know why my fingers move 
to any arbitary tune 
I dont know why the guitar calls 
masked in a fear of failure ! 
I dont know why sometimes I flow 
and time stops at once 
And I dont care what others think 
about you and me ! 
Cause I love you and I will keep 
entertaining you!

Why hiding?

Its been long, really long that I have'nt understood you 
So much of the past burried in my show 
I feel like a thief hiding in every little activity I do 
Why this fear, why this self deception taken for true 
Why not laugh it out loud and allow to movie to let go!

Child's Love

Where did ego come from?

Today my mind wishes to dive deep into the topic of where did ego emerge from? Or rather how did the ego arrive in first place and how did it start becoming stronger or bigger?

If we look back, we all started as a child knowing nothing. Just playing, having fun, and loving. Yes that’s most important, a child can love unconditionally. I see my little nephew who is only 2.5 years old. Whenever anyone comes to our house she goes and gives everyone a hug irrespective of who they are. She is so happy to see people and people love her so much.

From the child’s eyes

When I see a child, I find that there is nothing imposed on the child. A child does not think what he/she does. They just do spontaneously. That’s one so important perspective, I find in the kids. They are not at all thinking about anything before acting. That’s why we love them so much. So they are working from a region of no thought. They do not have logic, yet we love them. They do not know business, yet we love them. They do not know math’s English, General Knowledge, information or technology. Yet we love them.

Below 2 years, the children don’t even know words. Yet they will creatively paint something, if you give them colors. They will lovingly sing a tune which they might have heard somewhere. They will happily dance to the tune of something without even worrying about anything. Children will never let your spirit down. Children are happy and loving even without knowing the words. We know so many words, so much information, yet we are unhappy, depressed, worried and suffering from anxiety. We have forgotten living life like the child, yet we all were child once in our lives. This is perhaps because of the subject of our discussion "EGO".

Then where is ego in a little child?

Ego is what we develop right from the childhood age when we start from school. There are good students and there are poor students. There is competition, there is gap, and there is fear of losing out in the run. All of this accumulates, with competitive exams, few students making to the top colleges. Then comes inferiority complex and the “I am better than the rest" mind frames.

We can never find a little child who is egoistic. Little children are happy go lucky and they can laugh, cry and express fully. With age, time, we adults suppress our feelings and that’s when the burden/load starts increasing. Any chance we get to listen to a kid, will only make us feel that we really can’t answer their stupid silly questions. Really a child's world is so beautiful, yet so simple.

Did we feel the children?

When little children are playing together, they are so vibrant and the amount of energy they radiate is hard to look away from. Yet we adults will be so worried about our problems and keep saying that they are small kids, as if they don’t know much. We adults, what have we done to ourselves?

Where did we lose ourselves?  Such a beautiful truth, that we were all once a child and we were all the same.

Yet as we grow up, so many differences pop up in our mind. Jealousy, hatred, selfishness pile up and robs us of this beautiful side of us.

Why not awaken the children in us?

Why not live life like the children?

Where are we in this universe?

Can we really feel that how small a part we are of this universe?
Such huge galaxies, universe, stars and we are one tiny object in a massive planet called Earth. We are a very small part of a very huge infinitesimal source, which we sometimes call God.

In God's world, we are really small beings, and all we can do is to love each other as our own. If we feel, we all have a possibility to get back to where we started from? Maybe that’s why Jesus said that the kingdom of heaven belongs to the children.

Yes we are all God's children.

My prayer

I pray we all remember the child in us in every small activity of life and then life would be so much fun, so much creative and so much fulfilling. God is in every one of the attributes that makes something beautiful. The flowers, the wind, the rivers, the trees, the seas, the mountains have been silently communicating with all of us all the time. All we can try is to give them a chance, rather in better words, “Let’s give God a chance!!”

Tired of Chasing

Always hiding beneath the cloud
Chained by the mind, who is my scout?

Felt like this chase is never gonna end
Felt like my heart now wants to cry aloud !!

Deeply feeling the love of my own people
So much love burried deeply below !!

Since when did I stop feeling my heart
Look back and I feel the pain of love !!

Look back to feel the depression in me
Innocence killed in the face of grief !!

Since then have I been hiding in that well
In one little cloak, like a snail in a shell !!

Prayed my heart for some help to arrive
And i found you, you, my beautiful life !!

I dont know the meaning of love
I just know that you are great !!

My Saviour My God

This song is very special and touches the depth of my heart everytime I hear it. I feel every word in this song and love this song very much.
When I hear this song, sometimes I feel like I will burst into tears. There is something special about this song.
An awesome courage reflects through the lines. Perhaps the courage of living life for the love of God.


Sharing it again here

Feels like so lost out here

Feels like so lost out here
Chasing to find pillars of mistakes spear
Sometimes fast sometimes slow
Its a tug of war between mind and soul

Feels like so lost out here
Scared to open up and share
Why so difficult yet so much dear
Why despite will, there is failure here.

Feels like so lost out here
Hidden in a mask of pretence
Forgotten words were very dear
And the past memories I could not bear.

Feels like so lost out here
One massive knife burried deep in my heart
Endeavoring to feel everyone else in sight
But its bleeding inside for times apart.

Feels like so lost out here
One feeling of grief forever appears
Like a old trunk opened up with fear
Guilty ashamed for what it shows me here !

Feels like so lost out here
Looking around for solace in world
Losing my identity day by day
Still, I walk like a lone observer of my own.

Losing What You Know

Losing for so many days you know
The tree of greed now wishes to grow

The more I try to bind it close
More gracefully, away it flows!

Feeling this loss so much own
Feeling this as if for centuries unknown!!

Why do I still sit with a hope
That someday I will rise, someday I shall cope !!

What If ???

What if all the names are removed?

What if only the feeling continues!

What if there is nothing to worry

What if there is a feeling of no hurry

What if the beats started beating.

And everything around became so blurry.

What if I had taken one deep dive

Disconnected yet connected deep from inside!

What if I could no longer be bounded by ties

What if my thoughts could never define

What if I could find who I am inside?

Kaha kho gaya mera Mann

This poem, I wrote for my dear guide, guru, doctor and my light of my life, my very true Dev sir. Dev has been guiding me for very very long not with words but something beyond that. My love for Dev is very very deep in my heart and I call him all the time in my heart. This little hindi poem depicts my heart and our bond of love.

Ab toh jaana hai mann ke us paar

Chinta, bichar se aage maut ke us paar

Ab samjha hu kya kehte the aap

Jeevan ke chaalis rahasyo ke samajhna hai khaas

Inhi rahasyo mein hai chhupa hua mera raaz

Kaha kho gaya mera mann dhundne chala mai aaj !!

Feelings that Hide

When I feel the untold stories 

And unable to describe

Then there is no me anymore

There is just this time

What all I say looks like words

Framed in a string of beads

When I am devoid of the signs

The signs of life if I should say

Will they return to my eyes?

Do we all still feel the same?

Do we all still feel the same?
In the age of computers and information game
Where minds fights to achieve something new
Do we really appreciate the nature we view?

Do we all still feel the same?
Like we used to do back in school days
Like we used to flock together in exciting games
Do we really feel the joy of dancing in the rain?

Do we all still feel the same?
Like we used to do back in christmas days
Gifts of joy and singing his praise
Do we really feel the love of life these days?

When pressure builds in making ends meet
Do we really forget and enjoy the wind?
Our minds have casted one unknown spell
But there is love, just if we feel it well !!

Something in me

Something in me crumbling in fear
Something in me feels my end is near
Something in me not able to feel
Something in me not able to write
Something in me fettered in chains
Something in me feels bound to fail
Something in me not leaving the past
Something in me unaware  of the world
Something in me trying to realize
That life in me is trying to survive!

My childhood shines

Today suddenly the entire office environment makes me feel like my classroom. All these people around here, as if I could see the child in all of them. Going out with the bags in their backs they are resembling so much like my childhood school days. This is looking so much familiar. I was writing slowly today and I felt like my old handwriting came back to me. My handwriting which I missed so much.


Like pebbles near the flowing river
Light shines on my flickering mind
Reflecting days of my past days
My childhood memories keep me alive

Filling my breath

A beautiful fresh air fills me up
As if some beautiful nectar sent from above
A beautiful feeling of love surrounds me now
How could I be lost in something else
Suddenly aware of my breath, or has the air become so nice?
I feel my breath that is in me, I feel myself alive.


Hurry Hurry is all in my life
Run Run so you dont miss time
Look Look so you dont miss fine detail of life
The trees, the flowers call me sometimes
Lost my feeling , oh lost it, have I ?
 

Rest amidst Restlessness

My body is at rest, at rest infinite
My body does not move, my mind in my sight
Wondering freely like an animal untamed outright
But never have I thought the reasons to be alive
Forever restless for some unknown reasons behind
Life flows away by me, I am standing like a passer by !

Sedimented Negativity

Such a big clock would have looked good without the big bell attached to it. The way you perceive yourself is the way things happen to you. I have felt this happen to me very minutely. Most of the time, I feel myself to be very inferior and as if I dont know much. This self inferiority makes project myself with pain into the eyes of the stranger. As if I am looking for sympathy. But love is strong and I dont need to be a coward/timid. My awareness is centered to me. How I am looking!, How people are judging me?, How am I behaving in a crowd? How could I prove myself? How could I show myself as a winner? How could I become a winner again? My zone of awareness lies in the thoughts of self defence. Always looking for ways to defend myself creates a lot of problems in my mind. I am aware of the thoughts that pop up in my mind. As I watch my thoughts, I know that most of the dialogue happens in my mind. My mind has made a separate entity about myself. I am aware that whenever i see people spreading positive, I think how he/she is able to do it and not me? How can I be better than him? And this thought produces a pattern in my reaction. As I try to stick to my present, and at the same time feel the energy of my body I am feeling that life is within me. For past some time, whenever I try to settle down from the mental noise and just be here, I feel very very tired and feel like I wish to sleep. There are thoughts like

" What is there in living? "You can go to sleep" "I should sleep" "No more needed to listen to the thoughts" "I cant bear this noise anymore".

Such voices are dumped on top of my mind and laziness creeps in. For a long time, I am feeling helpless, and also devoid of the energy/desire to live life. This has sedimented deep inside me and I am like swimming across all this negativity that has sedimented inside me for a long time. Just like a river flows and its course gets blocked at times by the mud/waste in its course, similarly my life feels like getting blocked of its energy. My experiences seem half blocked by my preconceived thoughts/notions and judgements. I am getting stuck but i am having a deep desire/intention to move.

The call of the writer : First Post - 30th july 2014

I am writing my first post from my office. This is 30th July 2014, 3.40 PM. There is no specific reason for creating this blog. The daily activities and experiences that occur to me and whatever deep implications I find from it is something I would like to record somewhere online. Precisely, this is why I am writing this. Also, I was very fond of writing in my childhood days and somehow I feel that I have hit a writer's block which needs a opening. Putting all these points into place and stepping away from fear,skepticism,doubt,anxiety, I have decided to write. Write not for the sake of writing, but write for the sake of fearlessly, open heartedly writing down things which I feel strong about. For the past many days I am suffering from anxiety, confusion and doubt over every situation that life brings me towards. Since childhood , i have spent most of my time in thoughts. These thoughts had a pattern and now I can sharply identify them in small daily chores of my life. There is a heavy background noise, mental dialogue that affects every activity I do. Right from the point of asking the shopkeeper for a product, to taking a decision in work, doubt and confusion is affecting me top-down-center. I am aware of this. More I become aware of it, I try to stay still, become more still, silent so that i could calm down. As the doubt/confusion/anxiety flows like a turbulent storm in my mind, my body becomes restless. My actions become very prominently telling me as if I am very nervous. I observe this trait but there is hardly much I can do about it, other than just observing it or letting it happen. Sometimes, it settles down and I get back my true self. My self which is joyful, cheerful, witty and taking life not so seriously. I think from the heart and I keep singing. And I love to sing. I love to talk, to appreciate others and to find some beautiful trait in another. Such moments of stillness, makes me very very calm and then there is a threatening current of my mind to disintegrate this moment. This voice makes me restless again and most of the times its a thought saying " What will others think of you if you talk like this?" "You are being perceived as a fool by others!" , "Go away from here now or else you will be mocked". I am aware of this background noise and I am witnessing it all the time. Thoughts have a common pattern and they arise based on situations and past happenings in my life. I am aware of these thoughts. I am aware of the response of my body. I am aware of the calmness that resides within me. I am aware of the restlessness that is produced by my mind. These days my major setback is with forgetfullness. I am trying hard to remember small things and most of my experience is to make me remember small things throughout the day. I am trying to record as much as possible throughout the day. Many times during the day I feel like I am sleeping. My body feels very tired. I am conscious and aware of this happening. I have felt it strongly that the experience I am having is to enhance my realization of the present moment.