The call of the writer : First Post - 30th july 2014

I am writing my first post from my office. This is 30th July 2014, 3.40 PM. There is no specific reason for creating this blog. The daily activities and experiences that occur to me and whatever deep implications I find from it is something I would like to record somewhere online. Precisely, this is why I am writing this. Also, I was very fond of writing in my childhood days and somehow I feel that I have hit a writer's block which needs a opening. Putting all these points into place and stepping away from fear,skepticism,doubt,anxiety, I have decided to write. Write not for the sake of writing, but write for the sake of fearlessly, open heartedly writing down things which I feel strong about. For the past many days I am suffering from anxiety, confusion and doubt over every situation that life brings me towards. Since childhood , i have spent most of my time in thoughts. These thoughts had a pattern and now I can sharply identify them in small daily chores of my life. There is a heavy background noise, mental dialogue that affects every activity I do. Right from the point of asking the shopkeeper for a product, to taking a decision in work, doubt and confusion is affecting me top-down-center. I am aware of this. More I become aware of it, I try to stay still, become more still, silent so that i could calm down. As the doubt/confusion/anxiety flows like a turbulent storm in my mind, my body becomes restless. My actions become very prominently telling me as if I am very nervous. I observe this trait but there is hardly much I can do about it, other than just observing it or letting it happen. Sometimes, it settles down and I get back my true self. My self which is joyful, cheerful, witty and taking life not so seriously. I think from the heart and I keep singing. And I love to sing. I love to talk, to appreciate others and to find some beautiful trait in another. Such moments of stillness, makes me very very calm and then there is a threatening current of my mind to disintegrate this moment. This voice makes me restless again and most of the times its a thought saying " What will others think of you if you talk like this?" "You are being perceived as a fool by others!" , "Go away from here now or else you will be mocked". I am aware of this background noise and I am witnessing it all the time. Thoughts have a common pattern and they arise based on situations and past happenings in my life. I am aware of these thoughts. I am aware of the response of my body. I am aware of the calmness that resides within me. I am aware of the restlessness that is produced by my mind. These days my major setback is with forgetfullness. I am trying hard to remember small things and most of my experience is to make me remember small things throughout the day. I am trying to record as much as possible throughout the day. Many times during the day I feel like I am sleeping. My body feels very tired. I am conscious and aware of this happening. I have felt it strongly that the experience I am having is to enhance my realization of the present moment.