Sedimented Negativity

Such a big clock would have looked good without the big bell attached to it. The way you perceive yourself is the way things happen to you. I have felt this happen to me very minutely. Most of the time, I feel myself to be very inferior and as if I dont know much. This self inferiority makes project myself with pain into the eyes of the stranger. As if I am looking for sympathy. But love is strong and I dont need to be a coward/timid. My awareness is centered to me. How I am looking!, How people are judging me?, How am I behaving in a crowd? How could I prove myself? How could I show myself as a winner? How could I become a winner again? My zone of awareness lies in the thoughts of self defence. Always looking for ways to defend myself creates a lot of problems in my mind. I am aware of the thoughts that pop up in my mind. As I watch my thoughts, I know that most of the dialogue happens in my mind. My mind has made a separate entity about myself. I am aware that whenever i see people spreading positive, I think how he/she is able to do it and not me? How can I be better than him? And this thought produces a pattern in my reaction. As I try to stick to my present, and at the same time feel the energy of my body I am feeling that life is within me. For past some time, whenever I try to settle down from the mental noise and just be here, I feel very very tired and feel like I wish to sleep. There are thoughts like

" What is there in living? "You can go to sleep" "I should sleep" "No more needed to listen to the thoughts" "I cant bear this noise anymore".

Such voices are dumped on top of my mind and laziness creeps in. For a long time, I am feeling helpless, and also devoid of the energy/desire to live life. This has sedimented deep inside me and I am like swimming across all this negativity that has sedimented inside me for a long time. Just like a river flows and its course gets blocked at times by the mud/waste in its course, similarly my life feels like getting blocked of its energy. My experiences seem half blocked by my preconceived thoughts/notions and judgements. I am getting stuck but i am having a deep desire/intention to move.

The call of the writer : First Post - 30th july 2014

I am writing my first post from my office. This is 30th July 2014, 3.40 PM. There is no specific reason for creating this blog. The daily activities and experiences that occur to me and whatever deep implications I find from it is something I would like to record somewhere online. Precisely, this is why I am writing this. Also, I was very fond of writing in my childhood days and somehow I feel that I have hit a writer's block which needs a opening. Putting all these points into place and stepping away from fear,skepticism,doubt,anxiety, I have decided to write. Write not for the sake of writing, but write for the sake of fearlessly, open heartedly writing down things which I feel strong about. For the past many days I am suffering from anxiety, confusion and doubt over every situation that life brings me towards. Since childhood , i have spent most of my time in thoughts. These thoughts had a pattern and now I can sharply identify them in small daily chores of my life. There is a heavy background noise, mental dialogue that affects every activity I do. Right from the point of asking the shopkeeper for a product, to taking a decision in work, doubt and confusion is affecting me top-down-center. I am aware of this. More I become aware of it, I try to stay still, become more still, silent so that i could calm down. As the doubt/confusion/anxiety flows like a turbulent storm in my mind, my body becomes restless. My actions become very prominently telling me as if I am very nervous. I observe this trait but there is hardly much I can do about it, other than just observing it or letting it happen. Sometimes, it settles down and I get back my true self. My self which is joyful, cheerful, witty and taking life not so seriously. I think from the heart and I keep singing. And I love to sing. I love to talk, to appreciate others and to find some beautiful trait in another. Such moments of stillness, makes me very very calm and then there is a threatening current of my mind to disintegrate this moment. This voice makes me restless again and most of the times its a thought saying " What will others think of you if you talk like this?" "You are being perceived as a fool by others!" , "Go away from here now or else you will be mocked". I am aware of this background noise and I am witnessing it all the time. Thoughts have a common pattern and they arise based on situations and past happenings in my life. I am aware of these thoughts. I am aware of the response of my body. I am aware of the calmness that resides within me. I am aware of the restlessness that is produced by my mind. These days my major setback is with forgetfullness. I am trying hard to remember small things and most of my experience is to make me remember small things throughout the day. I am trying to record as much as possible throughout the day. Many times during the day I feel like I am sleeping. My body feels very tired. I am conscious and aware of this happening. I have felt it strongly that the experience I am having is to enhance my realization of the present moment.